Cliff Johnson’s Treasures from the InterWeb  

>Take One<

My New Year’s resolution is 1920 x 1024 pixels.

>Take Two<


Iraqi Head Seeks Arms.

Medics Help Dog Bite Victim.

Stolen Painting Found by Tree.

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half.

Kicking Baby Considered to Be Healthy.

Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One.

Stiff Opposition Expected to Casketless Funeral Plan.

>Take Three<

A babysitter is a small child that has not learned to crawl or walk.

A teenager is a person who acts like a baby when they aren’t treated like an adult.

An adult is a person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

>Take Four<

Quotes from Hall of Fame baseball player Yogi Berra:

“90% of the game is half mental.”

“If I didn’t wake up, I’d still be sleeping.”

“If you can’t imitate him, don’t copy him.”

“If you ask me a question I don’t know, I’m not going to answer.”

“You should always go to other people's funerals. Otherwise they won’t come to yours.”

>Take Five<

Last night I held a lovely hand, a hand so small and sweet.

I thought my heart would burst with joy, so wildly did it beat.

No other hand unto my heart could greater pleasure bring

Than the dear one that I held last night. Four Aces and a King.

>Take Six<

Ways to Annoy People:

Sing the 1966 Batman theme incessantly.

Be that “I haven’t seen you since last year” person.

Pull up at the McDonalds drive-through and specify repeatedly that your order is to go.

Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.

Leave the copy machine set to 99 copies, extra dark, 17 inch paper, and enlarge by 200%.

During a staff meeting, disassemble your pen and accidentally flip the ink cartridge across the room.

>Take Seven<

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One shouts to the other, “Dam!”