You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?
Hang up and drive.
Obey gravity. It’s the law.
Think globally. Act galactically.
All I want is revenge. Is that so wrong?
People have a right to their wrong opinions.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Stress is when you wake up screaming, and you realize you weren’t asleep.
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign.
He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?”
I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read.”
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges.
Miners Refuse to Work after Death.
Milk Drinkers are Turning to Powder.
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant.
Panda Mating Fails. Veterinarian Takes Over.
Joint Committee Investigates Marijuana Use.
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group.
A gentleman strolled into the bakery and carefully studied each and every pastry displayed in the glass case.
The baker approached him and asked, “What would you like?”
He answered, “I’d like the chocolate cream-filled donut, the glazed strawberry jelly donut, and the cheese Danish.”
Then he added with a sigh, “But I’ll take the oat bran muffin.”
Advice from a Farmer:
Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight, and bull-strong.
Keep skunks, lawyers, and bankers at a distance.
Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
When you wallow with the pigs, expect to get dirty.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?”
She replied, “I’d tell you, but that would defeat the purpose.”