Issue Eleven
Cliff Johnson’s Treasures from the InterWeb
February 2017

>Take One<

I keep my house messy so that if someone tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die first.

>Take Two<

Peculiar Prose:

The fire we started in that cornfield was terrible for more reasons than just its failure to produce popcorn.

The wheel of love had left its tread marks in his chest once too often, like a knobby mud tire on a monster truck.

The thunder rumbled, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

The moon looked like a toenail clipping submerged in a puddle of saliva on a black Formica countertop.

The plan was simple, like his brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

His vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

>Take Three<

A person with one clock is certain about time.

A person with two clocks isn’t.

A person with a broken clock is certain twice a day.

>Take Four<


Polarize: What penguins see with.

Sudafed: Bringing litigation against a government official.

Wrinkles: Something other people have. You have character lines.

Secret: Something you tell to one person at a time.

Syntax: Money in the collection plate.

Relief: What trees do in the spring.

Will: A dead giveaway.

>Take Five<

“Dad, can you do my homework for me?”

“No, I’m sorry, but it just wouldn’t be right.”

“Well, maybe not, but give it a try anyway.”

>Take Six<

Contrary Proverbs:

Birds of a feather flock together. Opposites attract.

Clothes make the man. Never judge a book by its cover.

Faith will move mountains. Doubt is the beginning of wisdom.

Two heads are better than one. Too many cooks spoil the broth.

The pen is mightier than the sword. Actions speak louder than words.

>Take Seven<

“I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce,” wrote an admiring fan.



Create Lasting Memories this Valentine’s Day.

Volvo’s 2017 air bags. Safe. And cuddly too.

Six Flags unveils its latest roller coaster: Wild Blue Yonder.

Useless Utensils.

Monster Mural.

UPS Secret Delivery.

The Road Less Traveled.

Elephant Bun: “I am not an animal. I am a pastry.”

The Comicon Crowd.

Jason and the Argonauts. “Beware the Clashing Knees.”

January 20th Chagrin.

Mobile of Mystery.

The World’s Shortest Skateboard Course.

Norman Bates and his date.

Watching naughty videos at the library.

Holy Starfish, Batman.

Sphere of Lost Keys.

Brilliant, Holmes.

Winter in Florida.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

Cat v. Rat.

Dog v. Squirrel.

Cat v. Crow.

Turtle v. Water.







Office Camouflage.

Silly Walk.

Train Complaint.

“Falling in Love with You” by Elvis Presley. Performed by Joseph of TWENTY ØNE PILØTS.
Morning Bliss from “Not Another Teenage Movie.”
“No” by Meghan Trainor.

With The Fool and his Money behind me, I’m typing my once and future novel CRAFTPUPPET.

Apathy. Take it or leave it.

So many people. So few asteroids.

Mosquitoes make you appreciate houseflies.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Don’t believe everything you think.

And I completed a new treasure hunt for the book Astana: Architecture, Myth & Destiny.

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